Tis the season, or not.

It's Christmas...yay.

I literally have ZERO spirit this year.
It's like I can't even focus on things nowadays.
I feel as though everything that I was taught growing up is being contradicted.
It's hard.
Just once, I want to feel carefree again, if even for but a moment, and I'd be thankful.
Fake smiles and laughs are no longer enough for me.
They can't hide what I'm becoming...
A heartless monster.
I've tried to make myself happy.
My friends and family have tried.
It's no use.
I just am....

Who knows, maybe it'll get better.
One can only hope.
But in a hopeless world, there's not much to hope for...

Less than you can ever imagine.

"The worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside you and yet you know you can never have them."

I know how they feel.
It sucks.
To know that what could have once been yours will never again be.

You learn to live with the almost empty feeling.
Almost empty because they're not yours, but are still in your life.

You cope with the fact that you made a mistake and you have to live with it.

So when you that chance.
Don't let it go.
You'll regret it.

I love you;

It was a cold November night,
The air had a slight chill.
And as I walked down a dark alley,
Within, I felt a slight thrill.
You were my destination,
You were what I wanted most.
But the memories of the past,
Crept upon me like a ghost.
Frightened, I stopped and I waited a bit.
It didn't take long before the memories finally hit.
Us being introduced, you saying my name.
The first kiss we shared, me feeling no shame.
My parents disapproval, taking us for a spin.
Then trying to get where we once were again.
Me planning a way to show you my affection.
You saying we were heading in different directions.
My broken heart that not even I would touch.
The messages I reread that hurt me so much.
You reappearing in my life as if naught were wrong.
You winning me back by one simple song.
The night you cried and I held you tight.
I kissed you then and said it would be alright.
Us once again going our seperate ways.
Never lasting longer than a few days.
Then the day you showed up with a girl by your side.
The look in your eyes that said she held your heart while you held mine.
I stood in that dark alley and knew right then,
Given a chance I'd go back down that alley again.

It began and ended all too soon

I want something different.
I can't find happiness in anything anymore.
Even my writing.
And that's saying something.
I'm ready for a vacation.
Like..... NOW.

More rambling...this is getting insane

So I am working on the AFAYC book now.
I've posted a teaser chapter on wattpad.com
Just search As Fast As You Can.
I'm going to take this one chapter at a time and see where it goes.

Let's hope in a good direction.

Random rambling....don't mind me

So I'm wanting to finish this book I've been writing, but I don't know what I'm going to do afterwards..

Should I try to get it published?
I'm not sure.
But why keep such a great story undiscovered?
I'm currently working on another book.
I've decided to go with the title
"As Fast As You Can"
It's about a girl who has been hurt really bad by a guy and now refuses to let anyone in. But when her mom sets her up on a blind date, she finds herself falling for this new guy.
So she does the only thing she's become good at: hiding her emotions and running.
But how long can she keep it up?

I don't know, it's still a work in progress.

Delusional

I've fallen into a whirlpool of emotions and I just can't seem to escape.

Fear
Love
Anger
Passion
Frustration
Devotion
Hatred
Trust

And so many more.
I feel the pull; and I can't fight against it any longer.
So here I go..

Another round of depression.

Beautifully New.

A fresh start. A clean slate.
Nothing wrong with embracing fate.
What we had is no longer here.
So I'm not that sad. I have no fear.
Say goodbye and I'll walk away.
This is the price we have to pay.
But I must be honest and say..

It's worth it.

I'm sorry, Mark.

I couldn't keep a hold on him.

I wasn't good enough.

I never was going to be.

I tried.

I failed.

I'm sorry.

At least I know I made an effort.

Suffocation

It's hard to breathe.
I see spots.
Everything goes black.
Bring me back.
I can't find my way back.
Help me.

Oh, Mark.

I have thought about you a lot.
Me and Cody have talked about you every single time we have hung out here recently.
He showed me the shirt you drew on.
I wanted to cry.
But I just smiled.
I miss you so much.
I wish I could have one more opportunity to just talk with you.
It seems like just yesterday you were calling me a hoe or slut down the hallway.
You always said I would find me a good guy, that he was probably right under my nose and I didn't even realize it because I was too busy looking everywhere else.
I never thought I wouldn't be able to tell you when I actually did.
I think it's Cody; I know you're probably smiling down on us right now and in some way, I think you had something to do with it. In my mind, can see you smirking every time me and Cody are together.
You were like that.
I remember your smile, and that dorky laugh.
I remember how you ALWAYS looked stoned.
This was probably because 99% of the time you were.
I remember how, for some reason, I could just talk to you.
You had this light that surrounded you.
Not a lot of people could see it, but I did.
You might have been in the worst mood, but to everyone around you, you were a care-free, happy-go-lucky, I'm going to have fun no matter what kind of guy.
I miss you.
I can't say that enough.
We all miss you.
It makes me feel like the worst friend ever that only after you had passed, did I realize how much you meant to me.
But that's how it goes sometimes.




I read something today that made me think of you..
it says:
"If there's another world, he lives in bliss;
If there is none, he made the best of this."


I know that dying is a part of life, but I wanted you to live a long life before you die.

original....

The more original you try to be,
the more everyone tries to be like you.

I don't understand how someone can try so hard to be like someone else solely because they have nothing good about themselves to go on.
You can't imitate other people and expect it to go unnoticed. I mean, come on, when you suddenly start to mimic everything someone is doing, it becomes apparent that you are doing so.
Especially when you showed no interest in said things before you found out said person enjoyed them.



Get a life; preferably one DIFFERENT from mine.
:)

signed, honest and annoyed.

questions

I sometimes find myself questioning everything around me.
Why am I here?
Why have I met the people that are in my life?
Why is it hot in the summer and cold in the winter?

I'm intuitive. It's my burden; but I enjoy it.


I often wonder, if it wasn't for me, would things be different?

I cannot begin to imagine my life as anything other than what it is now.
Everyone around me brings such joy in my life, these people are why I am who I am. I see that every single day. I smile more because of them and I live life more than ever because of them.

I am a writer, a photographer, a lover, a free spirit.
I care about anything that comes my way.
I love without restraints and I take chances that have no chance.
I love to search for unanswered questions just as much as I love making endings happy.
I carry around with me three things in mind;
1. You may not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but that does not mean it isn't there.
2. You can wear your heart on your sleeve or in your back pocket; either way, someone can get to it.
3. You'll never accomplish anything in life if you're not confident that you can do so.


I live by the saying;
Only as high as I reach can I grow,
Only as far as I seek can I go.
Only as deep as I look can I see,
Only as much as I dream can I be.

I am nothing but myself.
La Fin.

this just isn't fair..

He can't be gone.

This isn't real.

I don't understand.

This.Can't.Be.Happening.

Please God, give him back.

He was too young.

He wasn't supposed to leave this soon.

His life hadn't even begun.

I....just....don't....understand.

Mark Erlich

July 8, 1992 - April 20, 2011

GONE BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN

When will this end?

I wake up to a stranger every morning. She looks at me with a clear sign of pity on her face, like she just can't believe I have the nerve to wake up. This stranger is me, and yet, it isn't me.
Blue eyes wet with secretion look back at me and I can see her heart break.


I have to get away.
Where? I don't know.
I don't really care either.


At the top of a mountain, on the very edge. I feel the salty air breeze over my body. The chills send goosebumps everywhere. I look down and see the waves crashing against the rocks.
I'm not afraid, this is just the first step in releasing myself.
I close my eyes, count to three, take a deep breath, and jump.
In less than ten seconds, I'm submerged in icy cold water.


I'm tossed around, I don't know which way is up, or down. It's become apparent that I should try to find the surface soon, for I can't hold my breath forever. But something keeps me frozen for a little while longer. It's you. I think about you and everything that I went through. You made me laugh. You made me cry. You made want to feel loved, and to give love in return.
So here I am, drowning my memories of you.


I finally see the surface, my savior. I break through and take in a deep breath. Water falls down my face. It isn't just from the sea.
I've fallen, gravity has let go of me.
I close my eyes and start to relax.
I'm not held back, I feel no pull.


I'm free. From you. For now.


for you are like the tide, you always leave..
but you always, always, always..come back.
And I'll take you in, just like before. Tonight I'll sit and think of you, I won't be able to help it.


For you are constant like the seasons, and just as predictable.
And I'm utterly in love with you.

A realm unlike any other

First things first, in order to understand me, you have to abandon all prior knowledge of what you think you know about me. When you've done this, then you've made your first step into my world.

I'm like a clock on the wall. Not the digital kind, where it takes nothing more than a glance and you know what time it is. No, I'm more like the old fashioned kind. You have to really focus and pay attention before you know what time I have.


I'm like the ocean. The farther in you go, the deeper it gets. But go too far and you reach the drop off point. I have tides that go in and out. I can either be extremely calm and serene, or rough and out of control.


Breaking glass, watching it shatter, smiling as the tears fall down my face.
I've broken away from all that I know.
Finally.
I'm at peace with myself for the first time in a long time. I take a deep breath, stale air fills my lungs.
I know that what I've done will be for the best.
It might not get better right now,
maybe not tomorrow.
Maybe not even a month from now.
But eventually it will get better. It has to.
I've reached the utter bottom, you can't go any lower than where I am now.


I see a light, I feel the warmth from it.
It couldn't be....but it is.
It's the sun.
I'm in a beautiful field. It's the middle of June.
The wind is gently blowing, a welcome breeze on my face.
Drying away the tears that have become my only company for some time.


I remember all of the happy times I used to have.
The happy person I used to be.
I realize I'm not the same girl anymore.
I've changed, I can barley recognize myself anymore.
I look in the mirror every morning and I'm greeted by a stranger in the reflection.
Who are you?
How can I get back to the old me?
I miss being carefree.
I miss being without worry.
I miss being myself.


I will be free from this.


you can't begin to understand.
you can't begin to understand.
you can't begin to understand.
you can't begin to understand.
you can't begin to understand.


I'm nothing like I used to be.
But I'm trying to get back there.


Just wait around until I reach my destination.
please.