this just isn't fair..

He can't be gone.

This isn't real.

I don't understand.

This.Can't.Be.Happening.

Please God, give him back.

He was too young.

He wasn't supposed to leave this soon.

His life hadn't even begun.

I....just....don't....understand.

Mark Erlich

July 8, 1992 - April 20, 2011

GONE BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN

When will this end?

I wake up to a stranger every morning. She looks at me with a clear sign of pity on her face, like she just can't believe I have the nerve to wake up. This stranger is me, and yet, it isn't me.
Blue eyes wet with secretion look back at me and I can see her heart break.


I have to get away.
Where? I don't know.
I don't really care either.


At the top of a mountain, on the very edge. I feel the salty air breeze over my body. The chills send goosebumps everywhere. I look down and see the waves crashing against the rocks.
I'm not afraid, this is just the first step in releasing myself.
I close my eyes, count to three, take a deep breath, and jump.
In less than ten seconds, I'm submerged in icy cold water.


I'm tossed around, I don't know which way is up, or down. It's become apparent that I should try to find the surface soon, for I can't hold my breath forever. But something keeps me frozen for a little while longer. It's you. I think about you and everything that I went through. You made me laugh. You made me cry. You made want to feel loved, and to give love in return.
So here I am, drowning my memories of you.


I finally see the surface, my savior. I break through and take in a deep breath. Water falls down my face. It isn't just from the sea.
I've fallen, gravity has let go of me.
I close my eyes and start to relax.
I'm not held back, I feel no pull.


I'm free. From you. For now.


for you are like the tide, you always leave..
but you always, always, always..come back.
And I'll take you in, just like before. Tonight I'll sit and think of you, I won't be able to help it.


For you are constant like the seasons, and just as predictable.
And I'm utterly in love with you.

A realm unlike any other

First things first, in order to understand me, you have to abandon all prior knowledge of what you think you know about me. When you've done this, then you've made your first step into my world.

I'm like a clock on the wall. Not the digital kind, where it takes nothing more than a glance and you know what time it is. No, I'm more like the old fashioned kind. You have to really focus and pay attention before you know what time I have.


I'm like the ocean. The farther in you go, the deeper it gets. But go too far and you reach the drop off point. I have tides that go in and out. I can either be extremely calm and serene, or rough and out of control.


Breaking glass, watching it shatter, smiling as the tears fall down my face.
I've broken away from all that I know.
Finally.
I'm at peace with myself for the first time in a long time. I take a deep breath, stale air fills my lungs.
I know that what I've done will be for the best.
It might not get better right now,
maybe not tomorrow.
Maybe not even a month from now.
But eventually it will get better. It has to.
I've reached the utter bottom, you can't go any lower than where I am now.


I see a light, I feel the warmth from it.
It couldn't be....but it is.
It's the sun.
I'm in a beautiful field. It's the middle of June.
The wind is gently blowing, a welcome breeze on my face.
Drying away the tears that have become my only company for some time.


I remember all of the happy times I used to have.
The happy person I used to be.
I realize I'm not the same girl anymore.
I've changed, I can barley recognize myself anymore.
I look in the mirror every morning and I'm greeted by a stranger in the reflection.
Who are you?
How can I get back to the old me?
I miss being carefree.
I miss being without worry.
I miss being myself.


I will be free from this.


you can't begin to understand.
you can't begin to understand.
you can't begin to understand.
you can't begin to understand.
you can't begin to understand.


I'm nothing like I used to be.
But I'm trying to get back there.


Just wait around until I reach my destination.
please.