I'm consumed by the world around me. I can't seem to grasp my life before it takes a different direction. I'm speeding through everything. I've become accustomed to it. It's like home to me.
You are an inconsiderate, unprofessional, narcissistic, conniving, piece of shit. You take your hatred for me and use it against me at the only place where you actually can. I'm so fucking tired of looking at your evil, revolting face. Don't ever for one second think that you control me, because you sure as hell do not. As an adult, and as a "role model" you have done a most demeaning job. You use your authority over people like they're slaves and I'm fucking done. Adieu, you sick, twisted son of a bitch.
I've had what seems like a million people ask me about my weight here lately.
Admittedly, I have gained about 3 to 5 pounds but I didn't know that would classify me as "chunky" as one girl put it.
What half of them don't know is I'm a recovering anorexic. Yes, it's been three years since I technically had it, but anorexia is in you, it never goes away and it's always right beneath the surface.
I've been tempted a lot over the past month to do it.
"I'm just going to skip one meal. I mean, come on, it's just one meal." But oh how well do I know that that "one meal" soon turns into all three meals. It's easier to so my urges now. I have Amanda, my best friend who suffered from both anorexia and bulimia. She reminds me that I'm better than this disease. And that's truly what it is; a disease.
But with encouragement, people I love, and POSITIVE comments; I can overcome this once again.
:)
But stop it with the fucking pity party
Like seriously, I've had enough.
YOU fucked up.
YOU knew what you were getting into.
This shit comes back on you and the guy you decided to fuck in my Moms house.
Did you really think you would get away with it?
I love you, you're family.
But I'm honestly fucking tired of this.
Man the fuck up and move on.
I don't think I have ever wrote this down anywhere..
Mostly because I was frightened someone would read it and judge me. Now, I am stronger, smarter, and frankly; I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks.
I haven't had the perfect upbringing, but then again, who has?
I was always a tomboy growing up, I had two younger brothers and my mom had two older ones growing up so I wasn't ever introduced to girly things. I remember the most girly thing I ever asked for was an easy bake oven. O.o
I never wanted babydolls, fake makeup, dressup clothes or any of that shit.
Then Justin* came along. He was my first serious crush and conviently enough, my neighbor. I was thirteen, he was eighteen.
I remember sitting in my room trying to figure out what shirt I was going to wear before going out to play with him. Funny now, but back then, I thought I was in love.
we had this massively long creek that was also really deep in certain parts and we would all go swimming in it and then ride around on fourwheelers. I loved it.
Then one day Justin asked me if I was a girl or a boy. I was so confused because I thought I looked like a girl. I asked him what he meant and he said, "well you dress like a boy, act like a boy, but you sound like a girl." I remember thinking he had a point so I told him I was a girl. I'll never forget what he said...."prove it."
I was again confused and asked him how. He explain to me that certain parts of boys and girls bodies were different and that if I showed him a certain part that would prove I was a girl. Immediately I told him no. He only replied with, "fine, we're no longer friends."
Now me being thirteen and thinking I was in love, I immediately began to panic. So needless to say I showed him. I felt weird as he looked at me and when it was over we went home and I remember feeling dirty.
The "prove you're not a boy" episodes continued and escalated over time. I was molested and didn't even realize it was happening. I thought I was in love. I was young, nieve, and infatuated.
We moved away not too long after Justin did. I remember feeling sad but secretly hoping I never had to see him again.
I banished those memories and soon forgot all about them as I entered the fun years of high school.
I was outgoing, always smiling and carefree until the beginning of my junior year. Now up until then I knew I was a little chunky and I didn't like it too much but my junior year it hit me really hard. All of my friends were skinny and had boyfriends and I was the awkward single far friend.
I remember sitting in my room looking in my full length mirror and crying because I thought I was hideous. I began starving myself. Immediately, everyone noticed a difference, but I dismissed it saying a I was eating right and exercising more. I went out for the dance team at school and loved it. People began spreading rumors, but I didn't care. I was skinny. My parents were worried so they took me to the doctors. I originally weighed 145. I was down to 120. This was over a time span of about 2 and a half Weeks. The doctors were so stupid. They told my parents I was healthy as a horse and I was probably just hitting a growth spurt. My parents thought I was bulimic so they would listen outside of the door every time I would use the bathroom. Idiots. It was so easy to be this way. I would promise mom I would eat breakfast at school, then I would tell friends I had a big breakfast at home. I'd eat some fries for lunch and a tea then I would tell Mom I had a big lunch as school. It worked like a charm.
I got down to 101.
It was the beginning of my senior year and I was determined to get into the 90's. That was, until I met Aaron.
He became my best friend and he is the reason I stopped starving myself.
Plain and simple, he flat out told me that I was killing myself and that he wasn't going to be friends with a suicidal person. Harsh, I know, but it worked.
I've had other problems and I will have more in the future but as of right now, I'm happy with who I am becoming. So a big fuck you to all of the people who have nothing but negative things go say about me. :)
Oh yah, and I love my boyfriend. <3
