Different strokes

You'll always be forbidden

And I'll always wonder "what if?"

It seems so crazy to think that we almost had it all and we let our tendency to overthink things and run away ruin it.

I can't remember the feel of your lips or the rush of your hands in all of the right places. Maybe that's for the best.

But I'll always have the fantasy of meeting you out somewhere and having my way with you. 

The beginning of closure

How can you be the boy who woke up early on your last day of vacation at the beach to get me pictures of the sunrise because you remembered those were my favorite kind of pictures, and the boy who pulled over on the side of the road in the pouring rain because you liked to look at me, and the one who wanted to kiss me but didn't because you knew i was having troubles in my relationship and  only wanted to be my friend until I knew what I wanted, and the guy who walked me to class after he broke up with me because you didn't like the thought of me walking alone, and the boy who made me eat because you knew about my eating disorder and didn't want to lose me to something like that, and the one who stayed with me at a party because I had been drinking and you didn't want me to do anything stupid and on the same night you were the guy who slept beside me on the hard floor of the party house and asked me to scratch your back until you fell asleep?

You told me nothing would change after we graduated. 

You promised that our friendship would last throughout college even though you were going away.

You swore that we would make time for one another.

And at first, nothing changed.

And at first, we remained friends.

And at first, we made time for one another. 

But then like the seasons, nothing was the same.

Hour long conversations turned into a few minutes. The trips home became fewer and fewer. The planned trips to see you would have to be canceled because something came up on campus.

And finally, I heard you say words that I never thought I would hear. 

Lol who are you?

Who am I?

Who are you?

You're the one who did all of those things, how can you be the same guy who made me fall for you?

And how come you hurt me when you said you never would?

Things change, people change, feelings change, life changes us all.

And in the end, it can show you what's important, and what never was. 

Forever feelings.

I miss you

And it's killing me not being in your life.

You were my best friend and I loved you and I wanted nothing more than for you to be happy.

That's all I've ever wanted for you.

It's been so long since we've last engaged in conversation, especially one without arguing.

I sometimes wonder how different my life would be if I would've stopped you from leaving that day.

If I would have sat in that car on that backroad and leaned forward to meet you halfway.

If I would've metaphorically told everyone who doubted us to screw themselves by indulging in that one forbidden kiss. 

If I would have told you how I felt. The real way I felt. 

But I did none of those things.

Instead, I let you drop me off.

I let you let me go, without a fight.

We should have fought, kicking and screaming, for what we wanted.

If given the chance, I would. I'd fight until there was nothing left but you and I and that perfect plan we came up with.

Our wishful thinking.

You, the engineer. Me, the chef.

Our little house we designed, complete with my dream kitchen and wrap around porch.

But that never happened.

Fear won that day. 

We were both so young and so, so afraid.

Afraid of those feelings for one another.

Afraid of what would happen to our friendship once those feelings were out in the open.

I believe that, for the rest of my life, and probably in the afterlife, a part of my heart will forever be yours.

There's no doubt in my mind that we let our fear of the unknown stagger into our subconscious thoughts and eat away at every reason we should be together and replaced them with reasons why we shouldn't.

We found excuses, fought over empty reasons to be mad, said things that we couldn't take back, and walked out of each others lives so easily I thought that maybe I hadn't fell for you.

But then the dreams started.

The nightmares, more precisely.

You, everywhere I went. 

Haunting me.

Reminding me.

Teasing me of a love lost by an irrational fear of nothing.

I believe we would have been good for one another. We were in the short time that I called you mine, as much mine as you could've been.

I wanted you.

A part of me undoubtedly always will.

We were star crossed lovers in our own story, but unlike most books, this one won't have the ending everyone hopes for.

We'll move on, grow up.

Find someone else.

Possibly get married, settle down, have a few kids.

Then maybe, one day out of the blue, we'll cross paths, and I hope that when that day comes we can smile at each other and know that our love has held on throughout all of these years and that, while we are happy with the lives we have chosen, there will always be the untold story, that is ours and ours alone.

Because those that love us never really leave us.

You certainly haven't. 

If I'm honest with myself..

I don’t want to wake up one day, look back on my life and say, “what have I accomplished?”

I wasted too much time trying to please others, letting irrelevant people control my life and emotions, made myself sick trying to perfect my body, keeping up the image of being this happy, joyful, not-a-care-in-the-world girl. 

I've got demons in my closet, a black heart buried deep, and scars physically and emotionally to prove I’m not perfect.

Life is too short to try and be anything other than yourself. 

I've spent so long trying to be what everyone around me wanted me to be. 

I’m done with that.

I’m getting to where I’m happy with my body, I've let go of a lot of unnecessary people in my life, and I’m looking for a job that I’ll enjoy.

I’m on the road to a happier me and I couldn't be more proud of myself because at the end of the day, when I lay my head down to sleep; I can smile and say, “I haven’t given up.”

So to all those people that told me I’ll never amount to anything, to those that called me fat and said I needed to lose weight, to those that called me ugly, to the guy in middle school who gave me diet pills as a gag gift, to the girls that thought I couldn't hear them as they commented on how I dressed, to the teachers that sat by and did nothing as an 8 year old me was picked on….

......to all of you, I have one thing to say;

FUCK YOU! 

You didn't win, I made it and I’m going to keep on making it.

You’ll never win, I won’t let you.

I haven’t given up.

Mental Illness in it's finest form

It's Back.....

why can't it leave me alone?

If my boyfriend knew, he'd freak. I've gained so much weight since I've started dating him and I realized yesterday that I HATE my body.

So I'm going to do the only thing I know how to do in these kind of situations.

Hello Annie, it's been awhile.

...............................................

Fleeting

I'm consumed by the world around me. I can't seem to grasp my life before it takes a different direction. I'm speeding through everything. I've become accustomed to it. It's like home to me.

Go fucking rot

You are an inconsiderate, unprofessional, narcissistic, conniving, piece of shit. You take your hatred for me and use it against me at the only place where you actually can. I'm so fucking tired of looking at your evil, revolting face. Don't ever for one second think that you control me, because you sure as hell do not. As an adult, and as a "role model" you have done a most demeaning job. You use your authority over people like they're slaves and I'm fucking done. Adieu, you sick, twisted son of a bitch.